♥

Saturday 31 May 2008 { 14:13:00 }

im stuck at home, with nothing to do..
my family already left to send my grandma & aunt to the airport.
i just didnt felt like going..
aint sure why either..

i deeply miss my sugar, i cant help thinking bout him..
its scary. this feeling thats overwhelming me.
is it really, truly love?
or is it just a fantasy that im made to believe?

im not too sure myself..
but.. what is love anyway?
how does it feel to be in love?
i havent got a clue.. never did, i suppose.
*sigh*

one thing's for sure, i truly cherished every single things
that he's done for me..
he might think that it meant nothing,
but it sure did cause a deep impact in my life..

recollecting on all the events that took place between us..
before we became a couple.. brought great joy.
though there may be tremendous ups & downs..
& moments that i feel like letting go, i simply cant.

he's simply too precious to let go..
after an argument, just lying beside him & looking at him..
brings my heart at ease (i cant help but cry right now..)
sometimes its hard to say how i feel but,..
i dont how to express my gratitude of having him in my life..

well, i cant stop tearing right now..
i'm gonna wash up then give him a wake up msg.
hopefully it doesnt rain when we meet later..
thank you sugar for showing & teaching me
something that ive never knew nor felt before...
-.

to that girl, problem finally solved? nope. still hasnt..
an apology is accepted. but trust? drop that chapter.

Thursday 29 May 2008 { 22:03:00 }

hey! im finally done. phew-
i just finished revising on how to do the mail merge.
freaking OFA CA is tomorrow at 0830 hrs.
darn it! been waking up early this entire week.
_____

updates! (:
i had my napha test yesterday.
im pleased with myself though..
except for the broad jump, high hopes on failing.
im not a FROG! i cant jump!

i am proud of my 2.4km accomplishment..
i never knew gym trainings helped so much with my cardio.
i manage to switch between jog & brisk walks for 1.2km
and run & sprint for the remaining km. wohoo!
and i'll be starting my gym session this friday in school! (:

i didnt feel so well after napha yesterday..
sugar reported sick for work & since it was raining,
he decided to send me & gfs to school.. gracias !
i didnt dare talk much to him cos we argued the night before.

back on track, after napha.. he fetched me again! *melts*
im so touched right now, dont know why (or maybe i do? hmm..)
*certain incidents happened along the way but i shall skip due to inconvenience sake*
he drive us to WM for breakfast/lunch at KFC.

i could really eat cos my hands was still trembling
due to the inclined pull ups but was worth it!
he purchased 2 tix for "Congkak". he sent me home
to get my toiletries then back to WM for movie(:

interesting storyline, amateur special effects
and over-blasting sound effects..
overall, 3 out of 5.
after movie when to checkout N95 but was imitation.
blah blah blah.. then back to his place.

had sambal prawns for dinner then chillout with him.
i just dont know why i enjoy admiring him
when he's fast asleep. he looks so.. *fill in the blanks*
its indescribable. bliss.

im so grateful that our path crossed.
i wonder what i would have missed out,
not knowing someone like you..
ive never regretted you nor this relationship (:
Cuddles w KisSes!*
¡te quiero tanto, azúcar!

-*im waiting for his call.
thank you for the two sweet MMS sugar (:
buonas noches mis lectores..

Monday 26 May 2008 { 11:38:00 }

lately, i kept having this feeling of uncertainty.
its like i keep going back-and-forth..
never once, reaching my goals :(
i wished i had some guidance regarding this..(sigh!)
for now, just listen to the song ya? (:

all those aside, i had a memorable dinner yesterday! ((:
for the very first time, attendance was full.
sugar invited my family for dinner with his family at cck park.
is sort of an appreciation dinner from him (aawwwww!~)

omg! he cut his hair then now look so matrepish! eiks.
well, doesnt matter(: i still love my MokCitDut !
meal was great! truly satisfying..
(i forgot the camera. next time, perhaps)
he ordered 2 servings of every dishes.
black pepper crabs, cereal prawns, sambal sotong, etc.

it was kind of a family bonding.. well, sort of.
the conversations we pretty interesting.
never knew that they could relate to one another in a short time..
hmm.. parents. they're ever so adaptable.

i gotta cont with my lesson now(:
before Mr KK Lee will chop off my head! *giggles*
take care darlings. (muacks!)
gd nights.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sugar, i had a wonderful night.
though we argued in the afternoon, i hope u'll forgive me.
i appreciate your thoughts but..
i just dont wanna spend too much money.

especially yours..
thank you for dinner.
thank you for the bonding between our family.
thank you, for putting efforts in trying to understand me..
im grateful for everything you've done(:
i know im not good with words but,
one thing's for sure...
I Really Do Love You and I Dont!
Need Any Other Guys Out There Besides YOU.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

♥ KuKu BunDut (:

Sunday 25 May 2008 { 14:18:00 }

the paranormal trip was in fact great!
apart from the fact that i had menses,
something trailed me from the Hillview Mansion.

boyfie came over yesterday to join us for the trip(:
we headed to Hillview Mansion first.
the place that i went with Jamal & gang back in 2004.
the place was disheveled.
i felt some presence but chose to ignore.

i enjoyed the story by the tour guide,
whom kept saying "jeelo-jeelo" instead of "zero-zero"
hilarious.
the second location was the Makam Batu 8, off Railway Mall.
something spooked me out there.
boyfie wanted to know but i was kinda reluctant initially.

i was feeling rather uneasy throughout the ride to Paris Ris swamp.
there, situation got worst.
something trailed me on my left the entire time.
it even perched itself on the bird watch tower.
i was trembling from the chill but my body seems to be warm.

we proceeded to Mathilda house..
boyfie kept insisting that he heard me humming
to some old nursery rhymes.
i didnt recall that though.
i just felt like something wanted me to look for it..
as i shone my torch all over the house, i caught a movement.
pretending to see nothing, i turned away..

i felt something breathing beside me, i turned & i saw...
*fill in the blanks* i stood rooted to the ground..
all i wanted there & then was my dad.. i panic cos i was too stunned.
dad managed to calm me down before we headed for dinner at Jln Kayu.
dinner went on fine but i still had goosebumps..
& some aunty was afraid of cats that she yelled so loudly.*deafening*

the whole presence lasted till the end of the trip..
to the Spore Zoo in Buangkok, the Kampong Buangkok
& the Bukit Brown Cemetery(was forbidden to go so as to avoid "stuffs")..
the trip ended by 2am, i was too exhausted so i didnt talked much to sugar.
thanks for accompanying me in the bus while i slept (:
thank you sweetheart! ((= *muacks!~
im gonna rest, got dinner with darling's family at 9pm. taa~

Saturday 24 May 2008 { 19:15:00 }

this is gonna be a entry with little words
but loads of pics like the previous post.
enjoy (:

after the gfs outing, i went over boyfie's place.
miss spending time with him though im exhausted.
especially with all the conflicting issues that's been going on..
i have managed to sleep since i reached home at around 10am.
thanks girls & boyfie for the night!!

btw, boyfie got me stuffs again. now, for advanced bday.
*are you sure? hmm..-

my boyfie replacement!- tazzydearest(: muacks!

here it is together with my other plush collectibles!

i feel so bad about it.. but sugar, really.. i appreciate it.
but not so often ya? i dont wana be over pampered k? (=
anyway, i went for kenduri doa selamat held for nenek & mak besar..

here's the pics (:
25082008

i forgot what she was saying but it sure was hilarious (: *giggles*

from back: Adam & Zach
front: yours truly, Kak Eqin, Kak Etty & Fir

the girls with zach (: *he's so tall..lucky emmi*

darling adam & me *smile dear!*

the only grand-daughters of granny & grandpa on dad's side

last but not least, Muhd Norhisham (:

'twas the day when cousins meet up & go nuts..
thats all for the day! i gotta change & get ready for the
Paranormal Tour with Asia Paranormal Investigators at 8pm.
update ya tmr (:

{ 10:52:00 }

dearest salihah's bday celebration 23052008..
introducing salihah! ->

while waiting for liha, joelle got herself some Jap food.
thank GOD i didnt try cos its *oink oink*

we reached ParkHotel's Swensens ard 9pm but it was darn packed! grrr..
we, unfortunately, had to wait til it was cleared.

while waiting for dear 'dinner' to arrive, we got the staff to snap some shots (:

first came ally's fishy.. together with joelle's spagette.. (=

within the next 10min, tammy was served *heh*

we crapped abt life before the baked rice came, almost 25min later.. omg!

this was our supposed dinner turned supper *hahs-* but was fulfilling.

we slacked in swensen's til it was slightly past 1am before we walked off.
here's the bill.. *see, we dont eat much leyy..*

we decided on cam-whoring to end the day (:

finally, at cineleisure! gosh, sleepy *yawn*

we ended the day ard 1am plus cos all of us was extremely lethargic.

we chilled out at gloria jeans' til boyfie picked us up
to send my gfs home. how sweet of you! ((:
it was a hilarious ride though.
anyways, i enjoyed the day & am so-so definitely
looking forward to our next gfs-day-out!

Friday 23 May 2008 { 18:34:00 }

gosh! i just came home from choir prac.
i know it simply sounds stupid that im in choir but hey!
its was great! the coach was uber hott (:
well, his voice was. its interchangeable..
i gotta get ready for the the bday cbrations. c ya! =D

Thursday 22 May 2008 { 19:04:00 }

I must say, going on a hiatus starts today! RIGHT NOW!
Continual Assessment(CA) is tomorrow and i am going nuts.
Nothing but books and notes and more notes!
Liha's bday tmr so gotta go search some stuffs(:

So i'll be back in June!(i think) laters~

{ 08:45:00 }

♥
To Those Who Are...SINGLE
Love is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the more it eludes you. But if you just let it fly, it will come to you when you least expect it. Love can make you happy but often it hurts, but love's only special when you give it to someone who is really worth it. So take your time and choose the best.

♥
To Those Who Are...A PLAYER
Never say 'I love you' if you don't care. Never talk about feelings if they aren't there. Never touch a life if you mean to break a heart. Never look in the eye when all you do is lie. The cruelest thing a guy can do to a girl is to let her fall in love when he doesn't intend to catch her fall and it works both ways...

♥
To Those Who Are...AFRAID TO CONFESS
Love hurts when you break up with someone. It hurts even more when someone breaks up with you. But love hurts the most when the person you love has no idea how you feel.

Home is not always a calm place to be at.
-bored in school.

Tuesday 20 May 2008 { 20:49:00 }

"perhaps, i might just be better off w/o euu?"

to pursue happiness in life, eu have to put vast measures in yr tracks..
& thru that, u'll learn that to overcome all obstacles,
pain has to be endured & retained to its fullest limits..
never allowing hurt to surpass eu..
but, ive went thru those discomfort with sheer tolerance.
implausibly, i just failed! what mistakes have i made during this journey?!
despite the sacrifices ive made, i keep being a disappointment to evryone.
oh somebody, just decipher my dreams as it discouragingly becomes surreal..

never fall too deep for anything, for if eu do..
eu could feel the potion trickling down yr throat..
pure displeasure of withstanding the pain as it poisons eu.
the feeling prevails, making eu endure the scorching agony of love.
its brings eu to a realm of feeling,
which eu never knew you were capable of handling.
as pure evil unleashes itself, u're bounded by pessimism.

insecurity plays a major factor in my thoughts..
it keeps coming, embracing me & dragging me into an eternal blackhole..
i cant retaliate, i too weak & busy wallowing in self-pity.
i could hear voices enthralling will im being pulled away..

as i view what goes on in my pathetically deranged life,
i ponder about our future.. what have i put myself thru?
how unapologetically u'll look at me when there's a misunderstanding..
i have my utmost faith entrusted in eu yet i feel so misleaded.

where do i stand in anyone's life?
i need answers.. was i a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend or friend?
am i ever regarded as a part of anyone's life?
im aint sure of what im experiencing now.
totally deprived from reality.
brought deep in my thoughts about my gloom future..

today's not an exception, so many issues. omg!
some PeoPLe are indespicably horrid creatures! geez.
no one allows me to render in my perfect imaginary world..
its not that im sucha emotional bitch
but i do need time to recuperate from some issues.
& I Do NeeD PersoNaL QuaLiTy TimE WitH MySELF!
oh life.. oh dear, ohh dear...

what am i doing to myself?!
how could i put myself thru this?

Sunday 18 May 2008 { 19:45:00 }

[Verse 1]
Anytime you feel
Like you just can't hold on
Just hold on to my love
And I'll help you be strong.
But you're so afraid to lose
And baby I can't reach your heart
I can't face this world
It's keeping us apart
When I could be the one to show you
Everything you missed before
Just hold on now
Cause I could be the one to give you more (Let you know!!)

[Chorus]
Anytime you need love baby I'm on your side (Yeah)
Just let me be the one that can make it all right (I can make it all right)
Anytime you need love baby you're in my heart
I can make it all right

[Verse 2]
Now there's no way out
And I can't help the way I feel
Cause baby all the fire
And I'll be waiting right here
You know my love is real (baby yeah yeah yeah)

[Chorus]
Anytime you time you need love baby I'm on your side (You know)
Just let me be the one that can make it all right (I can make it alright)
Anytime you need love, baby

i still love you though you're already moving on..
i cant let go. im helpless..

Monday 12 May 2008 { 04:50:00 }

i just wished you knew that..

Thinking of all the pain
you are going through
Looking at your picture
oh, such a lovely view

So many mysteries surrounding
and I have no clue
The thought of you
suffering is killing me too

It's a volcano boiling
with pain and anger for you
Tears drop from your eyes
cover me with morning's dew

Sitting on the floor and still
thinking it's not true
Trying to reason with my senses
and what I already knew

What happened to you?
I feel as if I'm
with someone new
Tell me baby if our hearts
still beating one rhythm not two

I long to be with you
to share your pain
and be inside your shoe
Sitting outside listening
to the birds and wishing
to be with you

Hoping to find a way to free
your heart and soul
from this taboo
With each thought your love
within my heart
blossomed and grew

So many thoughts provoking ideas
familiar only with few
Patience is a virtue
let the days show us
What our love can do

-
life just aint fair..

Saturday 10 May 2008 { 18:30:00 }

are we still gonna be the same?
will we act differently when we meet again?
will you still love me like you always did?
do i get to see you smile like last time?
will i ever get to hug you again, saying that i miss you?
do i ever get that chance again?.. will i?
~~i wish i could just rot my life away~~
all this shouldnt have happened.
i need you so bad..
no matter how much we argued,
my feelings never did change..

i am so lost right now-

i'll see you soon when all this is over..
take care sugar.. *crying away-.

{ 04:47:00 }

yeah!
ive finally upload some pics (=
hope you guys liked it!
*to those people, stop pestering. ok? its uploaded now =P*

16042008

gfs! in maroon, darling Tammy & me. in white is sweet Leha & the navy's dear Mira (;

the day we had some stupid choir audition. blearh-.

after lesson with pretty, pretty tammy! (: 06052008

taken during the BORING trip to Spore Mint. girls toilet gathering! =D 06052008

clockwise frm left: Ally, Wani, Mira, Joelle, me, Leha, Tammy & Su! gfs loves-.

the aftermath of the trip. hahs-. introducing lesb partner, leha (:

well, i suppose thats about it.
i currently dont really have the mood to blog.
i keep pondering abt the phase that boyfie & i have GOTTA go thru right now.
im missing you so much though we met yesterday..

p.s. dearest boyfriend, MokCetDut..

i.love.you.too.much that i cant bear to see you sad about the whole outcome..
im sorry if you feel like ive betrayed you for not voicing out.
its probably for the best.. ):

Thursday 8 May 2008 { 21:39:00 }

Seriously, staying up in the middle of the night is what i have been doing lately.

I tend to sleep while doing something or doze off during conversations. I am really bad at keeping myself awake, as for some people may have known. So this week has been an average for me.

Its really scary when time goes by in a wink . So much to do, So little time.

Practically, I have no idea of what to post tonight so I'll just ramble my way through this post.

For some of you who thinks that Im having a ball of time in my life now, well you might wanna re-think again. Cause Im not. Its just not the same anymore.

No more people screaming(un-literally) at me for being the lamest being alive.
No more people begging me to stop the unnecessary things i do.
No more people hushing me to tone down my volume.
Most of all no more people giving me group hugs or a real hug.

I just missed the old good times when I felt more loved.
Enjoying precious moments and when I reminisce about it, I'll cry.

Oh and some awesomely good outings/dates.

I miss girlfriends, bestfriend and not forgetting Nadiah.
-

sometimes it would be better if we would never try to talk at all because ....

goodnight(=

Wednesday 7 May 2008 { 03:02:00 }

Funny when it seems like ive been talking to myself in the mirror lately.
Neither am i crazy nor mentally ill.
Maybe im facing depression but im not gonna let it pull me down or affect me in any ways.
Its not like i dont have people to turn to.
Well i do. Girlfriends, Cheryl and Sammie.
But i chose not to tell them what im facing through right now.
Cause i dont ever want to trouble them.

The way i see it..
Life is a rollercoaster.
Definitely.
When im up at the highest point, i'll be a happy kid excited like no other.
When its time for recession, yeah you know i'll scream like any other human being.
Feeling the rush up in my blood vessels, making my body freeze.

Well i dont get it anyway, why on earth must i ever make unnecessary
naive decisions leading to never-ending problems.
I didnt wish and definitely not pray for all shits to come my way.
If thats how my life path has been set then so be it.
Its not like im ungrateful or anything of that sort instead i am thankful and glad
that im still living and breathing on earth.
Thank god im blessed with a common sense that hasnt lead me to committing suicide.

Its such a sad thing knowing that ive lost weight drastically,
even mom said that ive lost weight and i know she knows why.
I used to eat alot being ignorant of whoever says that im growing fat but now im not like that.
I used to be the talkative one in the house and definitely the LOUD one.
I sure missed getting scolding from annoying brother telling me to SHUT UP.
Or sister's constant temperament when she cant do something.

Now ive been quiet.. a lil too much quiet actually.
I missed those times when i would usually laugh at almost but anything.
Now all i know that ive been smiling, giving a weak smile.
I definitely miss shopping..going in and out of stores finding a particular apparel
to match with my newly bought heels.
But now i got sick of dressing myself up.
Yeah i definitely have changed and i hate this.
Im sick and tired of making sure that i dont hurt anyone
and trying to please people with what they want.
Well what about me?
Has anyone ever asked me what i really want in life?
Ive always been the one who listens but the question is..
For how long will i be like this?
So let me be selfish just for once now but i know, i am never capable to be as such.

Even when im down i kept everything to myself and
when i couldnt hold back any longer the time comes for me to breakdown.
I am at the lowest point in my life right now.
The people whom i thought would understand me has proved otherwise.

God help me.

Now i realize that i want to be closer to god.
HE's the only one who truly understands my emotional and mental state.
):

Monday 5 May 2008 { 20:27:00 }

C=
I kept sobbing away from a crying jag. I felt it flood my throat, getting ring in my ears.
Before the first tear could fall, I let my head roll back, squeezed my eyes tight shut, and cursed myself. And I told myself, everything will be alright. It should be.

For a good start, I read a book: Nasty Men (extremely interesting!) today.
Its been so long I spend my seconds reading, its really really 'ME' time! =D
Then I got myself obsessed, with scribbling them' small notes in my notebook!
at least, i hope, it'll stop me from stressing over the issue
of getting scolded just cos i went to buy some toiletries. heh-.

Friday 2 May 2008 { 01:30:00 }

arguments.again?!
when.isit.ever.gonna.end?
i.wish.i.was.inhuman.so.that.i.wont.feel.upset.
missing.all.the.girls-outings.and.GFFhugs :(

nuff said.