♥

Monday 28 July 2008 { 18:05:00 }

you know what? gfs are the best.. they always cheer you up!
today, finally can get back to school but feet still huts a lot.
unfortunately, i cant go for choir cos they worry about my feet.
guess thats okay cos i still get my CCA point((:

anyways, today's the best of days but shit happens right?
due to the LFS lesson that was taken over by BFD,
our days changed tremendously.. you guys are clowns dude!
watching the video by aidil & firay then the roleplay, crack me up.
my classmates are hilarious!

the photos courtesy of tammy! thank you TAMMY!!
cheer up ok dear?(:

so thats what we did for the first hour after laughing our ass off
due to the "ellen degeneras show with steve irwin"..

"interview with david beckham that got interrupted by mr tong".. *LOL*
evrything went pretty well & school ended at 4plus. ((:

now, im all set to meet sugar.. hmm, he sounded rather agitated.
god, whats my fault this time? oh dear.. oh dear!
i better come down earlier before i pissed him off further.
wish me luck ya? ): im off then, loves-

{ 05:29:00 }

[sobbing, tryna be strong]
i cant sleep. i cant get it off my head..
why am i hurting myself like this?
doesnt he know that i love him so much?
oh someone, please, tell me whats my mistakes..
i know im stubborn & i shud stop contacting those people.
where else did i go wrong? please tell me.
i wanna be better, i wanna please you not get despised
oh dear god, have i sinned too much til im punished this way?
sugar, you dont know how much i need you now..
i cant go thru this alone.. i wish you were here with me.

[breaking down..]
darling, did i not love you enuff?
is there someone out there thats better than me?
am i or was i ever a bystander? a mistake in your world?
i wished you knew how much you mean to me.
be it in arguments or happiness, ive never loved you less..
will you ever forgive me for all my incapability?
can i still be the girl you've always & will still dote on?

[cant stop tearing]
will i ever be able to cuddle up to you again?
or the least touch you or hold your hands when you're angry?
do i still have the privileges of coming over early
then sit by your bed till you wake up?
can i still lay down beside you while watching TV?
am i ever, gonna see you smile again like you used to when we meet?would you ever tell me if we were not meant to be?can continue driving myself senseless just be lying beside you?or lose all my inhibitions when you're there with me?am i still the one that you'll turn to?

p.s. вαву.. ℓσνιηg чσu αℓωαŷѕ..

Sunday 27 July 2008 { 15:19:00 }

something must have hit me real hard.
im regretting not staying in contact with my sec schoolmates
though im not so close to my classmates
i miss the rest so much..
we've parted ways & its hard to get back in contact
people like cheryl, sammie, yvonne, ivey, alissa, azura,
mahera, kak deena, kak juli, kak iffa..

i miss ms nora, cikgu dee, mr anthony andrews, mr paul bayliss
haha! all the hilarious teachers(:
those times when mixing malay english & mandarin
wasnt a fault but something that teachers adores about us
like how ive always loved to say it,
"cikgu, boleh saya go ke toilet. saya want to terkencing!"
cikgu dee will always hold back her laughter when she hears that.

the times when clubbing was part of our lives..
getting hangovers during lesson
class attendance being only 20plus out of 42girls..
reprimanded by ms kang & being called barbarians.. haha!
i still remember the school grounds very well..
over crowded canteen, 2nd floor of the library where i'll fall asleep
haunted toilet & basketball court.. memories with nadiah.
oh gosh, there were so many fond memoirs.

then we had visits to K.A.P, town, thomson plaza, tree garden McDonald's
all those dumb guys who waited to pick girls outside our school..
the hot babes & hunks that became our substitute teachers.
oh, those were the days where camps was like a part of our lives..

i wish i was as fit as i was back then or maybe even more..
having loads of CCAs like track, NPCC, ELDDS, dance
enlisted for NYAA, OBS.. overseas trips..
what a life. but i do miss my primary school teachers too!

like mrs mark, mr lim bo tien, mdm suraya. mdm zamzama
((: damn! i gotta catchup on these individuals that made a difference
teaching me loads of values.. "no matter what, dont auction your pride"
thank you! ive learnt to fight for whats right, ignoring all accusations..
now, i cant wait for school.. be very positive of problems.

till then, i miss you sugar..

Saturday 26 July 2008 { 20:42:00 }

oh my gosh

everyone has a history
it can be forgotten but never erased
you learn from it & pick yourself up from there
forget yesterday, enjoy today, anticipate tomorrow

for now, i gotta focus on getting well asap

ive alrdy completed my assignments

feeling like im so worthless

waiting on life's end

oh dear life!

{ 15:31:00 }

emotionally and physically bruised
l e a v e m e a l o n e-

Friday 25 July 2008 { 00:00:00 }

what do i even mean to you now?
dont leave me hanging right here.. please, for once.
ive got so many things to sort out currently.
gawd, how long more am i gonna be tested this way?
i cant do it, i cant persevere much longer.

am i just a stranger or passerby filling up the gaps in people's life?
why am i always putting my life on stake..
taking every probs as it comes though i cant manage it.
its not like i needed probs but some just doesnt enjoy seeing me smile
to the extend that they gotta create issues for me.

yes, i do know how to get angry/agitated/pissed whatever negativity
but most times, my patience is just too overwhelming..
i cant help being compassionate about people.. i didnt ask to be this way.
caring or not, its still a mistake. giving chances is also a mistake.

what am i to do? how am i to pull through?
you said you'll be there for me thru ups & downs, vice versa
but it seems that all those are merely, words of no actions..
why cant you just stop & try to under the situations.
you wanna get mad, go ahead. but not vent it out that way..
im getting so afraid of you.. it feels like a cut whenever you touch me.

i wish we could get back on track.. to the good old times.
those things just seemed like a faraway dream. whats happened?
disillusion.. it cant be stopped. oh gawd, help!

where did we go wrong? why does it have to be this way?
why does it seems like others are more important in your life

compared to your family and me??-

this prolly isnt the best time.. i cant help you if you wont let me.
i cant be there for you if you chose to run away from me..
as helpless & unknowledgeable as i am, i do wanna help you out..
seek assistance from anyone or everyone.. just so i could have you back.

please, for us or the least for yourself..

Thursday 24 July 2008 { 00:54:00 }

Are You Depressed? - YES!

lately, problems cropped up & i find it hard to deal with..
basically, i havent got a clue to my mistakes..
how i wish somebody would explain or the least, have the guts to tell me..

i know im being exceptionally forgiving but its just me..
isnt there anything else that i can amend besides that? please.
anyway, im going to the doc later. i hate anticipating..
well i sprained my ankle this evening on the exact spot on the left foot.
darn. i shouldnt have gave chase.. was it worth?- idk.

hopefully its just a sprained nothing serious.. gawd!
i need to attend school.. i dont wanna miss out & i'll miss my girlfriends!
for now, im gonna go & rest.. the pain's killing me.
painkillers anyone? nvm. gdnite.

Monday 21 July 2008 { 23:28:00 }

i must admit.. my teenage years' probably sucked.
juggling between school, drama classes, cca, modelling, etc..
surprisingly, i had spare time to go on a dating spree.
dated too many guys that werent compatible..

frankly, im very picky when it came to soulmate preferences.
im against smokers, drinkers, abusive jerks, people with tattoo/piercings.
half the time, i land myself with those kind of men.
i believe people might change if the world stops stereotyping them..
everyone deserves a certain extend of chances in life..
if you dont give them the chance, who will? dont cha think?

ive wasted many chances in life in deserving a suitable partner..
when i get myself an exceptionally good one, i decide to let go
jus because a friend/relative is also in love with him..
sacrifices. yes, i did love them but i didnt think i deserved them.

all these while, i regret doing so cos others were happy but, not me.
i stood by 2 rships, hoping for a miracle.. it never came.
though i learnt a lot from saiful & farhan, it just wasnt the kind im searching for..
i needed a rship where i could find a deeper meaning..
be it in love, in life.. basically everything in a matured rship.

i never regretted those two but i think we're just too young..
dated Ryan, Giacomo, Ricardo, Beni, Daniel, Nevada, Hisham, Razak, Michael
they're the exceptional ones.. the rest was err.. beyond hope?
i appreciated all they're efforts of tryna win me over but i let them down
the more effort they put, the more i wanna drive them away..
call me foolish if you want to, they're all successful guys
but i had my reasons.. stupid ones i think.

now, i dont wanna make the same mistakes once more..
ive made too many losses in life.. i was simply way too compassionate towards others
imagine having someone loving & caring about you yet you ignore them
or even plead/make havoc so they'll move on without you.. i was plain dumb.
literally dumb. thinking back, i prolly shouldnt regret much now.

if i hadnt let them go, i wouldnt have met the guy i love right now..
yes, he may be a little temperamental & edgy.
but he's still very loving, always concern of my well being at the expense of his.
many kept insisting that i move along & find someone better..

hmm.. why should i? i love him very much though he's a pain in the arse
but i know that im probably a nuisance for disturbing him half the time..
take pictures/videos of him while he sleeps then LMAO before deleting them((:
i cant say he's a terrible boyf cos he's definitely not.
he's just plain kuku.. always up to silly antics that makes me burst out laughing

people may go ahead & make plenty judgements about me but..
thats never gonna change the fact that i am being me.. accept it.
im nice to people who deserves it(: i love my irritatingly lovable boyf
and nothings gonna ever alter that. i love my family, nadiah, cheryl, sammie,
tammy, liha, sue, joelle, ally & most definitely, myself.

btw Ryan,

im sorry i couldnt tell you sooner that im already attached..
i didnt have your contact since you left for Germany without a word.
hopefully you've complete your degree.. you can always visit spore
but we can no longer meet up. im exceptionally surprised by your call though..
never knew that you still kept my contact. anyway, well wishes.
send my regards to Adrian, Audrey & Ruth.. gdbye.

Saturday 19 July 2008 { 00:17:00 }

today i gotta do comments & implications for VVIPs & VIPs in my life..

" Family "
a lil deficiency lately regarding the fact that i meet boyf too often..
okay, my mistake. its just that we're having so much issues
im not good with dealing with his kinda personality so
i kinda need a bit more time to get settled.

sorry if ive disappointed you both times again,
but i surely putting my efforts in school. i gotta.. i just have to.
im growing old & wanna do my degree in Finance..
thanks for being there for me especially during my lowest point in life..
whatever it is, i love you both a lot!

" Nadiah "
hunn, i still havent gotten over the whole not-having-you-around prob
i miss you greatly, i need you even more now..
am wishing i could call you up at night just to talk til we dozed off
i remember those slumber parties we had
the book hotel with other gffs just to watch soccer or movie marathon
those were the days where the whole just revolved around us.
reminiscing those 4yrs of friendship.. i wont forget you.
oh if only my current gffs knows you, wouldnt that be great?(:
still, i love you & you'll be the bestest friend ive ever had.. probably the one one.

" Boyf/Sugar/McD "
i know we're still going thru rough times..
we'll here's a confession.. something's really amiss.
not tryna put you down but certain things are unrealistic.
one issue still lingers, friends/colleagues/classmates.

you despise the fact that im out with any opp gender alone
or even in a grp.. you'll approve Only if its with the girls..
i seriously find that to be outrageous cos i dont forbid you as such..
and apparently, you can just go out with you colleagues aka "siblings"
where's the respect that i deserve? if i merely your gf, just tell me.

with them, you dont even mind doing dumb stuffs..
or even going ahead with their plans but not me.
also, i wasnt inform of your whereabouts when you're with those two.
the golf incident, the gym incident. i wasnt entirely inform & ive checked
with singtel, that there wasnt such msgs & that my HP is not spoilt.
so now what? im clearly lost. as your gf, ive got a certain rights to be jealous.

start thinking about others feelings, you dont like being treated a certain way
at least dont do it to others. it might pay off.. you cant blame me due
to all the insecurities cos i was never certain of your closeness to "them".
i can accept them as your friends but there's limits for everything..
get your point across cos you're leaving me stranded right now.

yet i still love you very much.. missing you dearly

hopeful on getting your reply to this post.

" Girlfriends "
oh gosh! you girls have been nothing but joy..
to think that its already been 3months coming 4.. so fast.
the problems we shared, the joys we had during lunch/class/breaks..
simply remarkable. we bonded so fast..

i know sometimes im so stressed up & stuff yet you girls never fails
to brighten it up with all your antics. thank you so much!
have i been that much of trouble to you girls? sorry if i am though.
hopefully this friendship will last a lifetime(:

& to myself, i gotta learn to step in before people make utterly
degrading remarks or batter my self-pride. trust me.
i dont wanna be nice to any male gender except my family members..
ive tolerated enuff, getting trampled all this while.

Im Confident and Determined
that
" Im Not A Failure "

Thursday 17 July 2008 { 22:12:00 }

list of all the blogthings tests that i did:
(: i was bored okayy?

"What Rose Represents Your Love?"Are You An Easy Girl?"Are You a Fit Girl?"
"How's Your Karma?"What's Your Love Type?"Are You a Good Girlfriend?"
"Are You An Attention Whore?"What Kind of Sexy Girl Vibe Do You Have?"
"How Rare Is Your Personality?"Is Your Willpower Strong?"Are You a Daring Woman?"
"Are You an Alpha Female?"What Personality Disorder Are You?"Is He A Player?"
"Are You A High Maintenance Woman?"What's Your Beauty Element?"
"What Does Your Birth Date Mean?"Can You Make Anyone Fall in Love With You?"
"What Are the Colors of Your Heart?"What Do People Envy About You?"
"What's Your Love Style?"What's the Part of You That No One Sees?"
"How Hot Are Your Kisses?"Are You A Hot Chick?"

these tests clearly describes me.. unfortunately.
well, its enjoyable & a definite stress-reliever for me..
im gonna wash the laundry before MCD comes(:
loves-

{ 09:04:00 }

im in school.. not knowing what to do

since im done with the main assignments for OFA

so, i'll post this up okayy?

listen to these:

currently thats all. i wanna continue doing final touchups..
before cracking nonsense with gfs(:
tata loves.-

Wednesday 16 July 2008 { 23:59:00 }

you wanna know what?
i dont care what you think okayy..
there is nothing thats gonna change the fact that
I Still Love You no matter what(:

dont be so hard on yourself k dear..
its already in the past right? so please sugar.
ive forgiven you without you even needing to say sorry first..
as hard as it may seem, i dont hold grudges
unless someone deserves that.

i'll do whatever it takes to assist you..
im willing to sacrifice every ounce of my strength
time or even rest, just so we will pull through this downfall.
dont go blaming yourself.. its over.
and i wont tolerate that you keep blaming yourself.

im here for you, and always will be until my dying breath..
helping you, helping us to go back on track.
trust me dear, we can make it.
it takes time and plenty of effort..
"It takes just a moment to experience infatuation, but true love takes time."

are you willing?
anyways,i'll see you later for lunch.
have a good rest, put your mind at ease..
we'll meet on your Off/Rest day to talk things out k?
gd morning(:

*i love you sugar

i still very much love you, Isham
i will always be loving you MokCitDut , always..*
listen to this s.o.n.g((:

"Trying to accept something you aren't comfortable with in your partner

will only hurt that person more in the end, when your true feelings emerge."

Monday 14 July 2008 { 23:07:00 }

gosh.. sugar, this post is for you..
this is hard.
i know, i shouldnt have done so.
i didnt chose for it to be that way..

"what does he mean to me right now?"
"do i love and care about him?.."

the fact is, i do care a lot about your well being.
you mean so very much to me.. and..
i love you deeply from the bottom of my heart & soul..

but due to certain conflicts that we had, questions arise.
"do i truly love him no matter how he's attitude is like?"
"am i in love with the right guy but at the wrong time?"
"will we both ever be able to meet each other's needs?"

i do wanna spend my lifetime with you..
be there with you through whatever turbulence..
enlightened just by seeing you smile or laugh though i had a bad day
i dont want you.. i just need you so much.
the care, concern, love..
whatever you name it, im smitten by all your gestures & words.

im just doubtful of why, someone so superior as you
would ever fall for an undermined like me?
what do i possess? tell me, i dont know.
am i deserving enuff to receive sucha gift from God?

it wasnt that i didnt dare to look you in the eye,
telling you just how much i love you..
its just that i dont wanna say it cos i dont think you'd believe
my passed failed rships, werent helpful.
i never learnt much, may be even nothing.

i wont wanna say I Love You cause..
whatever ive done, just isnt sufficient to prove it.
i apologize for disappointing you.

im pledging to you & myself to strengthen the feelings of love
and to actively maintain our relationship.
i wanna be seriously committed, have a serious relationship
and promise to be there for the you if things get tough..

you gotta gimme time.. ive only learnt your other side, recently
im really putting my best effort to understand you better.
i see you with all your imperfections, yet i know you're perfect for me.
but are you willing to wait?

i need you so much cause i love you sugar..
gdnight.
[ please sms/email/call me once you've read this ]

-
"You never lose from loving, you lose from holding back" - Erin Rose

Saturday 12 July 2008 { 00:42:00 }

Hilarious Encounter.
"DORANG JEALOUS BAB YOU CANTIK."

alright world. its an established fact that ive loads of anonymous readers.
sadly, there's existence of fcuking ugly readers who have no life,
but still got the cheek to diss others.
they were my avid stalkers.
outta jealousy, they began to loathe me. pfft.
tsk.tsk. *shakes head*

recently, i had this weird encounter with an anonymous reader
who's experiencing a brain disorder.
out of sheer boredom, i made an amazing discovery due to blog hop.

GoodNess GraCious Me.
boy, im amazed by your recent blog post.
i wanna personally render my salute to you for the guts on dissing me..
but you're portraying your stupidity by happily posting my pic on your blog.
you're dealing with the wrong person.
whats your motive for blogging bout me?
LET ME MAKE SOME ASSUMPTIONS. okayy?

you have no life. why are you wasting your time in front of comp,
dissing someone who looks way better than your gf?
aight,self-praise is a disgrace but it's an established fact.
okay,who cares? this isn't a beauty pageant.
be mature.get real.
why be a coward & just blogged bout me?
i simply dont get it. no wonder mats got a fcuked up reputation.
its because of people like you.
its pretty sad how much you go through to criticize people.
come to me. say it straight in my face. if you dare.

im blessed that minahs & mats have the interest to read up all of my blog posts.
who are you to judge the standards of my english?
go & drag your flat face, disgusting hair in front of the mirror.
at least if i got malay blood, i don't look like one minah.
why do you worry so much whether im mixed or whatsoever.
why don't you criticize those typical minahs on friendster who westernised names?
its a fact that im partially mixed & do i look like one fcuking minahrep to you?
thick skinned brainless entities.

" these girls are shameless. you are prettier than them.
they are just jealous of you. if you're ugly, they wont bothered to criticise you or
read up your extremely wordy blog. " - thanks juli.

at least, ive got brains. im smart enough to upgrade myself to earn a HNITEC cert.
do you have a stabilised career? please lah mat.
get out there in the world & make yourself worth it.
have i offended you/your gf in any of my posts? hmm.nope.
im not even aware of your existence. sorry.
people of standards have already showered me with the right attention.

beauty is in the eye of a beholder. so i dont need you to say im pretty or what.
im sorry if most of my posts dont seem to please you cos after all its my blog.
maybe you dont seem to get the same treatment from our society
therefore this is the way you act up.

boy, im giving you one last chance to convey your apology to me..nicely.
if not, im going to lodge a report.
yepp, sue you for defamation.
-in this situation, you were trying to humiliate me. tsk.
" inserts-five-letter-word-for-female-dog-here "
oh really? say it to your gf's face then. pffft.

Do you know it's an offence in SG for a man to call a lady a B****?

although you had "kindly" deleted the post, im smart enough to save it.
being a former history student, i love sources of evidence.
this is a lesson to you. you have a foul mouth.
you have the cheek to make fun of others who are way classier than you.
no offence. this is the reality of life.
some people just cant seem to accept the fact that others are better.
super free right? so they will resort to bitchy stuffs.

i wanna thank everyone who were supportive in helping me deal with this silliness.
some genius ones had urged me to lodge a police report.
" Dear, that boy is still young. We don't want to ruin his future.
Give him a chance. If this thing happens again,it will be a different scenario.
We'll hire a lawyer for your sake. Teens nowadays are being immature."
-quoted from gfs. *shakes head*

boy, dont put yourself in a hot soup.
go & make a good name for yourself in the society.
deflate your ego cos it may end up killing you.

im being too nice for the time being.
so boy, take it or leave it..
btw, thanks boy for the entertainment.
greatly appreciated. you've made my day *rolls eyes*

Friday 11 July 2008 { 22:55:00 }

ignore yesterday's post.
i dont know if its true anymore..
what a disappointment.
people out there, are you guys okayy?
dont find fault with me can? i never pissed you of lor..
darns. im so lousy. pathetic. a Real bother.
hmm.. anyone has any negative traits to contribute?
help me le.. i cannot tahan liao!!

Thursday 10 July 2008 { 22:40:00 }

being attached, is it wrong?
being single, is it bad?

haiyo! i dont know le.. how? how? how?
wish i had some answers or something lor..
well Buncit, i sayang you banyak banyak skali dong.
you know kan? sungguh ya? janji ya.

time passes pretty fast nowadays.
school's been good.
sugar's getting more loved and life's kinda fine.

at least, i think it is. period.

anyway, whatever you guys OR gals are thinking now,
I DONT CARE
cos i have the
GREATEST LIFE PARTNER EVER!!
I So LoVe YoU Baby!!
Seeing You Tomorrow!!
MWAHXKSS!!

{ 14:38:00 }

MokCitDut, How Are You ??
-im fine, thank you(:

Sunday 6 July 2008 { 23:58:00 }

having a boyfriend? here's why i whine!:
isnt it funny how well your career/studies goes
when you're not committed to any relationship?

frankly, its been ages since i found peace but who gives a ~~shit~~?
i used to remember those days when i was in a serious dating mode
with someone who's kinda hot, charming, talented & has a good career
but life ended to be too harsh for us..
making it so certain that we were never compatible..

now i already attached..
there were times when life was like a bed of roses for us,
then things turned ugly. before long, its back to normal..
the world war stricks again.
i just dont geddit. whats with human these days?
emotional deficiency? god-

till today, i still manage to garner many "fans/admirers" around da region.
i even have boys who wanna try their luck in dating me lately
(even when im wearing slippers/sandals with no make up, mind you)
it isnt a great thing indeed.
but i still manage to pull it off cos im attached.
OR OTHER REASONS WHICH DO MAKE ANY SENSE.

currently, my days have been a systematic routine..
filled with workouts, study, chilling sessions with gfs.family.bf
which simply keeps me out of trouble.
some might think that ive been blatantly neglectin myself over da past months,
i know, ive realised that ive ignored myself for so long.
but what can i do? i gotta cater to many..

whatever it is, im sure there's more to life.

Friday 4 July 2008 { 22:22:00 }

Controlling Anger Before It Controls You-
"THE WORLD IS NOT OUT TO GET YOU BUT YOU'RE EXPERIENCING
SOME OF THE ROUGH SPOTS OF DAILY LIFE."

we all know what anger is and we've all felt it,
whether as a fleeting annoyance or as a full-fledged rage.
anger is a completely normal human emotion.
however, if it gets out of control & turns destructive,
it can resort to many unhealthy problems.

im really sick & tired of those shits.
YEAH.
angry peeps tend to curse, swear or speak in highly colourful terms
that reflect their inner thoughts.
its natural to get defensive when you're criticized.
but dont you think when one is angry, his/her thinking can get effing exaggerated
probably overly dramatic, right?
im exhaulted with all these, will your temper ever stop?

on the other hand, i feel real bad for showering you words of knives.
but ive grown up. you too. so lets get real.
we are becoming strangers. dont you see?
those immature & bitchy stuffs aint gonna fix anything.
SO YEA.

finally, game over.

Wednesday 2 July 2008 { 23:51:00 }

-to that certain someone..

please ya, ive no time to entertain your pathetic attitude.
stop being excessively sensitive over the slightest issue, will ya?
you prefer someone telling you off for your mistakes, yet you cant accept it.
whats wrong with you? how many problems do you want to give us?
i dont think we need any Spoilt Brat to multiple the problems thats already burdening us.
since you wanna be sucha tramp, whore or slut..
by all means, go ahead. its your life.
ive got a life & i love it. though there's ups and downs, i wont waste mine.
so dont you ever dare ruin mine or others cause your's isnt pleasant.
you looked for trouble so face it & dont be a coward!
for once, just grow up & stop wallowing in self pity..
it wont change a thing, okay ?
dont bother me, you're just not worth my effort.
period.

i need a break from extremely ridiculous people..
wanna destroy their own future? go ahead. i cant be stopping you.
you're smart enuff to decipher your own path right ?
ok then, i'll let you be ya? but do remember..
dont go blaming others when things doesnt go your what or isnt what it seems.