Saturday 30 May 2009
{ 02:20:00 }
i know, i know, i know...
am so deeply sorry over the fact that i havent been updating
cmon, ive got tons of things to do alright?
please understand, loves, i'll update when i deem its appropriate ok?
do smile, i still love you people (:
okay, so life has been about exercising and more exercising
Mondays to Fridays, 1600 to 1800 in the gym..
if not im crashing the desktop with all my projects, unfortunately
there's tourism, office administration and event management
about my group members, there's nothing much to say..
everyone has their own flaws right? (: so i just gotta make do
i know everybody is so kaypo on how my relationship is going, sorry people
aint telling, its getting too personal to even blog about
but certainly, i am well.. emotional?- NOT! but other factors, im cool
im totally stuck on this book called EGONOMICS by Marcum & Smith
seriously, i recommend everyone to go purchase it & READ IT WELL, okay?
it teaches you a lot on how to cope with egocentrics around you
basically, it teaches a lot too about self control & being patient with people
i havent got much to say other than.. im gonna continue reading that book
the Japanese books that i got from razak, thanks boy!(:
the Spanish books from the library, revise for tourism CA this Thursday
contemplating my birthday, etc..
overall, i miss my two besties though they're no longer around
hope you two are blessed, nadiah and aminnuddin, amin.
okay people, goodnight!(:
what i meant was good early morning.. hehe~*
Sunday 17 May 2009
{ 09:28:00 }
maybe he hasnt moved on yet.. prolly making use of someone.
chloe lee, lala_hawaii@msn.com from woodlands.. wonder who is she?
my assumptions were rather correct i think(=
he still wants a life full of ecstasy, i suppose..
clubbing, drinking, eating non halal food like there's no tomorrow
not thinking about repenting. too bad i cant leave up to that expectations..
i wonder whats he really up to, hmm..
you see, there's 24hours a day right? im not that dumb to not know..
but somehow he can only sms early in the morning,
what would common sense make you decipher?
i mean like, you've got morning afternoon evening and night..
but you only sms or reply to sms in the wee mornings
nobody would sleep the entire day without waking up for a short moment
its kinda like basic human thing, an idiot would know that too..
if its games you wanna play, im all geared up (:
i dont wanna be smbody's punching bag or puppy or whatever
respect, thats the least i could ask for..
but if i gotta beg for respect, then it isnt worth any of my efforts..
idk, you tell me what do you want. im tired of making choices
then end up getting disappointed when the promises made kept getting broken..
how long can this go on? can i have a proper TRUTH explanation?
seriously, its eating up my soul tremendously..
Saturday 16 May 2009
{ 09:38:00 }
you know what kak etty and kak eqyn?
thank you for being my support this past month..
i know i make crazy decisions and some of your advice werent taken
sorry about that, but i messed up..
anyway, i guess there's no point hoping and wishing for him..
wanna know why? cos he's moved on. fast? yeah i know, guess he wanted it
he didnt msg to clarify nor call or did anything at all..
ive still got a whole lot of his items lying all over my bedroom
guess he prolly would have already sold the bike..
promises werent always kept, i must say.
said its mine, then its not, then its mine again & that i shouldnt sell it
but now, its with him and he's selling it to me if i want it
i cant just take it home cos its no longer mine..
dover graduation with raudhah and suelyana had been fun..
free food, free drinks, free money, walking for hours, falling asleep behind the stage
tuesday to thursday in dover. crystal, thanks for being a bubbly companion
we all have problems sweety, we'll pull through somehow..
the adults from the community centre have been a great..
im immersing myself with so many service & i took up french lesson!(=
once im done, im gonna take german & italian.. japanese?
well, maybe if i can stop thinking of how perfect his ex girlfriend was.. ):
perhaps that was why i always felt insecure, i was never comparable to her..
though ive never seen her face or even her picture at all..
him calling her hot, his mum saying she looks like a model, etc..
my morale went down with every praises about her..
another think, i cant get fat! oh good gracious, i cant gain weight..
thats prolly another reason to why he quit entertaining me,
im obsessed with losing weight & going all leaned up which he doesnt like..
you see, i dont wanna be fat & end up feeling terrible about myself..
im a bloody 56kg for a 160cm.. thats close to being over weight!!
he didnt understand my insecurity when he tells me im not fat
then within seconds/minutes, a hot babe walks pass & he's checking her out..
i mean, whats that all about dude? make up your mind.
when i say i wanna be almost the same size as that hot babe..
he'll give me that 'oh please, not again' kinda look.
is it so wrong to be slimmer so that you'll feel more happier with yourself
and also boost the image of your partner? i mean you wouldnt want your buddies saying
'hey, how could someone like you fall for sucha rhino?'
i dont want that, thats why im preventing instead it becomes an argument..
hmm.. now, he's friendster status is single.. changed his shoutout.
i was going through my hotmail contacts when i saw his msn profile with new girls
added into his network, idk what the hell his doing anymore
idk if the recent sms he sent were true cos he never didnt even clarify
playing squash has been a way to release all the emotions..
the counselling sessions hasnt help, i blame the doctor..
she said im too young to have gone through depression twice within 5years
ok doc, im seeking advice not some lecture ok?
finally, dad's agreed to let me go on a vacation of my choice during the holidays
but i havent got a companion to go with.. i hate scouting for people
maybe i'll go alone to a resort in a nearby country..
i dont know, what do you think readers?
sms me some location ideas ya? (;
with love, dee-.
Friday 8 May 2009
{ 22:22:00 }
i just wish he knew how im feeling at this moment..
i really want him to know it so badly but i dont know if he still cared
im crying my life away since monday and it hasnt been easy
the pressure from projects, the lost of him from my life,
i dont have anything right now..
i want that somebody who i thought had loved me all along..
i need him back in my life but i cant seem to push aside all the hurt im getting..
i really just need him back, it feels like ive made the worst wrong decision ever in my life..
i dont want this, i never wanted this to happen.
i just wanted some time to get myself out of the depression that im facing.
i need treatment, but nobody's hearing me..
im screaming and crying to sleep every night to wake up with no more morning msgs..
to live through monday til now without a single call from him..
its like as if, he really wanted it to be this way too.
i just wanna hear that comfort in his voice saying im gonna be alright..
that no matter what he still loves me and is always gonna support me through whatever..
now, he's negotiating money with me! im hurt. im beyond depressed!-
i dont want that bike to be sold, i want it for myself.
please just dont sell it, it mine. its mine somehow.. i will pay.
gimme time, please. i promise i'll pay.. please..
i sound stupid right now, i dont care if anyone says i do..
i just dont want it to be sold, i love that bike.. i love everything about it.
its like my retreat from the problems i have..
if you're gonna take that away too, i have nothing..
i have nothing anymore.
i dont have you, i dont have that bike, ive got no life to carry on by..
just please, please.. i need help. help me out.
i dont wanna lose anything else right now.. i dont know what to do anymore.
im typing and crying and i dont know if im repeating the same things again..
my brain isnt functioning right.. im starting to hyperventilate.
oh god, please what do i do? please. just please.
Sunday 3 May 2009
{ 23:47:00 }
have you ever reached a point in your life,
where you know you gotta make a lot of changes..
to make your life more enriching?
ive reached mine, at least thats what i feel like right now..
have you been in a situation where your mind
and your heart contradicts each other?
im going through that right now and somehow i feel like..
im more of a 'heart' person, i let my emotions run faster than my mind
until i dont realise whats gonna happen to me
for being to kind and compliant to some many individuals
who seem to take my generosity for granted..
i gotta make some changes in my life for my personal growth
i wanna be successful in my life and i dont need anyone who isnt supportive
i want someone who is willing to understand my situation
as much as i am willing to put up with his..
kept feeling like im deprived from my teenage years due to unnecessary commitments
i have to put those wrong choices behind and pick myself back up, slowly
focus on my education, make in to polytechnic with a scholarship
i think im going off track lately..
i dont need a relationship if its gonna pull me down,
i dont need fake friendship cos i have proper trustworthy friends to begin with
i dont need boys, guys, jerks or men to keep me happy..
i can do it on my own unless they are willing to stay and accept me as i am
i wanna be that successful somebody who would stoop over all those pest
and say, "hey, at least ive made a mark in my life and be somebody. have you?"
i know it sounds egoistical and mean, but who cares?
if i become successful, its gonna be my own hard work anyway
i dont sell myself to reach a mark in any place.. my pride isnt worth trading.
i want this to be clear, if you're gonna befriend me
for the sake of making use of me or to hurt my pride or whatsoever
please, dont try. i can be nasty when i want to and when i choose to be..
if you ever test my patience and you'll hate me for it..
to those who are or have simply taken me for granted, no worries..
god has his ways, retribution will definitely come upon you
i dont need your sympathy, i am no charity box
thank you, have a good night.
besties, sorry if my post sound harsh.. i just had enuff rubbish.
kak etty and kak eqyn, i know you are always supporting me with my choices
kak zyzy, though we arent close.. i appreciate you comforting me..
to 3Ds, i guess i really have meant nothing all along ):
